Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
