i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
