i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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