There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
