Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
