i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
