um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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