I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
