Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
