He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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