Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
don't judge my taste in strippers
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
