so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
