I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
