I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
