So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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