I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
