Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
you had me at cake vodka
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
