woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
