I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
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Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
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He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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