Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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