worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
