Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
