i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
