had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
