3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Porn is love you can see.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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