C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
