im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
