Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
