make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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