I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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