i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
