I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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