That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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