Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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