I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
When did angry sex become our thing?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
