I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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