Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
