if you like me you must not know who I am
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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