Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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