omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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