I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
