Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
