Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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