shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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