I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
