It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
His nipple licking is glorious
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