Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
