I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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