He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i love accidental penises.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It's official drugs can't kill me
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
