i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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