I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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