someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
