He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
