At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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