So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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