Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
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